Parents who divorce when their children are still at home choose mediation over litigation when they can for a number of reasons. The mediation process typically requires negotiation and compromise, while a litigated divorce is more likely to involve conflict, one-upmanship and stalemates.
Parents who will be sharing physical custody and decision-making responsibilities for their children after divorce can benefit from learning to work together despite any hurt and anger they have about their own relationship. Mediating child custody and support matters can be an excellent start towards a new co-parenting relationship.
The advantages of mediation
Mediation provides more privacy than one that requires multiple filings with the court. It also typically requires less time and money – two things in short supply for many parents.
Further, if the kids are old enough to understand that their parents are establishing their agreements (at least their child-related ones) through mediation, it can give them a sense of security that they will continue to work as a parenting team even if they’re no longer a couple.
Each parent can benefit from having their own legal representative to provide guidance behind the scenes as they go through mediation. However, by not doing their negotiating and other communication through their attorneys, parents can work more closely to craft a parenting plan and other agreements that fit their children’s unique needs.
Mediation can help avoid toxic stress for children
Mental health professionals have identified divorce as one of about a dozen “adverse childhood experiences” (ACEs), along with physical, sexual and emotional abuse, that can cause toxic stress for children that follows them into adulthood. That’s why it’s critical for divorcing parents to always be cognizant of how their break-up is affecting their kids.
Of course, a mediated divorce isn’t for every couple. If there’s considerable distrust or animosity, if there has been any kind of abuse or if one spouse can easily overwhelm and persuade the other, it’s better to handle it through the court, where a judge can make decisions on matters where the couple doesn’t agree. Unlike a judge, a mediator isn’t there to decide matters for the couple but to help them reach decisions together.
For many divorcing parents, however, a mediated divorce can be an excellent way to begin a healthy co-parenting relationship that will continue long after their children become adults.